S03E40 TAKING THE (SLIGHTLY) LONGER PATH TO COLLEGE

Of course, life never goes exactly how you expect it will. How will you make the most of it? I talk about this year's college application process in our family.

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S03E40 TAKING THE SLIGHTLY LONGER PATH TO COLLEGE

Sam Rhee: [00:00:00] This podcast episode is about taking the slightly longer way. In this case, it's about this year's college admissions process. My daughter, Sasha, a high school senior, just completed her college application process.

I would like to congratulate all the seniors this year for going through this process. Any parent or student who has gone through this process knows it can be months or even years of stress and anxiety.

And if you're still on a wait list or you're not sure which college you will choose, the process may still be an ongoing one for many students.

If you've ever heard that saying, and I'm paraphrasing, there were two paths in the forest and I took the long path and that made all the difference. There was a little bit of that this year for Sasha.

When she started the process, there were a couple thoughts I tried to keep in my mind as well as to communicate to her about applying to college.

The first thing is that college acceptances should not be considered achievements, as opposed to true objective accomplishments, such as helping your soccer team play a great game, [00:01:00] or getting a good grade on a test, or writing a great article for your school newspaper.

A college acceptance is based on someone else's opinion of you. It changes nothing materially about what you have done. You somehow have not become a better person or a different person just because someone decided they wanted you to join their organization.

And as we know, the reasons colleges choose their students are based on a wide variety of factors. Some students are chosen because they can throw a baseball 90 miles an hour. Others are chosen in part because of their geographic location. The myriad of reasons why colleges choose who they choose are constantly being dissected, analyzed, and even litigated.

Therefore, using college acceptances to gauge your self-worth or your high school career is inherently empty. I read about a student who was accepted to 54 colleges this year, which was celebrated as a great accomplishment. However, that student is exactly like every other student who applied to colleges this year, they will be going to one college,[00:02:00] and that's really what the process is about, choosing which college you would like to go to.

The self-validation for being accepted to 54 colleges is at best, fleeting and empty.

The other thing is where you go to college guarantees nothing in life other than you will probably spend four years at that college. Malcolm Gladwell in his book, David and Goliath, talked about a student who chose Brown University, an Ivy League school instead of her state school, University of Maryland.

Struggling in class at Brown with so many students who were uniformly high-achieving, the student became discouraged and she chose not to pursue science. Gladwell suggests had she gone to her state school, Maryland, she would've gained confidence, which would've allowed her to develop and grow so she could pursue her love of science. This anecdote is the classic Big Fish Little Pond story, which while I do take some issues with Gladwell's details does demonstrate something I believe in strongly.

Not every college is right for every student, and success is not [00:03:00] more likely because you go to a bigger name school. Anyone I've ever talked to with any experience in any career in life, be it in any industry, business, medicine, education, public service have told me, maybe with the exception of their first job, where someone went to college does not matter at all.

What you did in college, the skills, experience, and work habits that you develop will be a much stronger predictor of future success and ability to achieve later in life than any name on your diploma.

Of course, you're probably going to spend four years at that institution, so, it is important to choose a place where you can build confidence, grow and develop, as well as enjoy your life during a critical part of early adulthood. Letting your ego dictate where you want to go to college may ultimately harm you in the future.

And the biggest point of this podcast is the college process, while stressful, can help students start to think about their future and what is important to them. In my daughter Sasha's instance, she decided to apply Early Decision to Duke [00:04:00] University, which is where I went to college.

No doubt I influenced her choice either directly or indirectly. She ended up watching a ton of Duke basketball growing up. We visited Duke several times and she has so much Duke paraphernalia that you can even find baby pics with Sasha in a Duke onesie.

Regardless of my influence or whatever her reasons were, Sasha researched her schools on her own and ultimately decided she really wanted to go to Duke. Applying Early Decision means if the college accepts you, you are committed to attending. You can generally only apply to one college Early Decision.

Many students who know what their first choice college is will apply Early Decision because the admission rate is higher for Early Decision applicants. And in addition, you find out in early December instead of late March, which saves months of stressful waiting.

In December when the Early Decision results were released, Sasha was not accepted. She received a deferral. Obviously this was disappointing for her as well as for us, her family. [00:05:00] As a parent, your initial response is that you're very angry at the world. You see the great qualities in your kid, and it is outrageous that others can't see how wonderful and awesome she is. How could they not possibly see what you see in her?

Many students can be devastated when they do not get accepted to their college of choice. They may question themselves and their self worth. This is where keeping in mind the college application process is not a meritocracy and it is important not to compare yourself to those around you. And trust me, these students are all constantly comparing themselves.

Although Sasha had researched other schools, for the first time, she had to seriously consider what it would be like to go to another school. She began imagining herself for four years at different states, different cities, different student cultures. She spent more months trying to figure out where she wanted to go.

I thought that while this obviously was a disappointment for her, that it would turn out to be a good thing. Duke was my chapter, and it would be refreshing for Sasha to write her [00:06:00] own brand new chapter. So I put away all the Duke paraphernalia, took down all the Duke posters, unfollowed Duke basketball on Instagram, and waited to see where she would go.

I was ready to learn a new fight song, root for another team and learn all about a new place. And Sasha was accepted to some schools that she felt she could flourish and grow. Schools very different from Duke, including UCLA, USC, Georgetown, amongst others. Our family started researching how often we could see her in LA or what the ACELA train schedule to DC was.

And we also began imagining her at her new school. Duke was never a big football school, so the prospect of tailgating in Pasadena as a parent sounded pretty enticing.

Finally, last week, the last college regular decision notifications rolled in and of course dramatically, the very last one was Duke. All of us had steeled ourselves for another denial. The Early Decision acceptance rate was 15%. The regular decision acceptance rate was 5%. If Sasha [00:07:00] didn't get in before, when the acceptance rate was over three times what it is now, chances were slim and we were ready for our new chapter.

And then of course, because you can't ever predict what is going to happen, Sasha received an acceptance to Duke. And that's where she will be attending this fall, class of 2027.

Ultimately, I believe the process, while stressful made Sasha grow. Had she been accepted Early Decision, she would not have thought about her college and future nearly as deeply as she did the past few months. And I also think it made her realize that had she not ultimately been accepted by Duke, she would still be successful and get a great college experience somewhere else.

Personally, while I would've loved to have been tailgating on the West Coast, now, the challenge will be to help, or maybe more importantly, stay out of the way while Sasha writes her own chapter about her experience at Duke University and resist the temptations to say, "When I was here," too much.

We pulled all of our Duke gear out of the attic, bought some new Duke merchandise to celebrate. [00:08:00] I refriended Duke basketball on Instagram again, and I'm reading up about the high school superstars that will be joining the Duke basketball team next year.

I know that many people might say this is a non-story. Because there are so many students out there that are not accepted to many schools and have faced worse circumstances, and that is true. My heart goes out to every student and every family where ultimately they feel saddened or beat down because the process is often capricious and beyond their control.

But I firmly believe that whatever the outcome is, you can take it and succeed. Because success should never be predicated on others judging you.

If you have had a similar experience either applying to schools or where you felt your life depended on others judging you, let me know. DM me @BotoxAndBurpeesPodcast on Instagram. Thank you.